Suicide Prevention Month 2020

*tw: suicide* //

 This month is National Suicide Prevention Month. A whole month that is dedicated to raising awareness on suicide and to reduce the stigma around a public health issue that is so important. I have spoken a lot about my own experience with my mental health problems so this month is very close to my heart. 

In July, I got my first tattoo which was a semi colon. It is a tattoo I have wanted for so long as the meaning behind it is so important to me and I wanted it as a reminder to keep going even on my darkest days. 

"A semi colon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to"

For years I have struggled with suicidal ideation and I have been in really dark places. It's like a huge weight that is holding me down and I struggle to get out from underneath it. Sometimes I can ignore them but other times they will overwhelm me. Most of the time the thoughts will creep up on me and catch me off guard. If I'm crossing the road my mind will fog and I'll briefly think about walking out in front of a car. I think negatively all the time and can't give myself credit for the days when I have got myself up out of bed and even just done a simple task of brushing my hair when I couldn't see a way out of this constant pain. So you could imagine this is a big deal for me to be able to write this post. The reason for me writing this is to help you understand that you are not alone. To you, the person reading this who relates, don't give up. You're doing amazing. 

There has been countless times I have sat on my bathroom floor for hours, crying and praying for peace and happiness. I'm still waiting for that day but I'm one day closer and I won't give up because I've got this far. I count my blessings and I am so thankful that I am still here today after I attempted to take my life. It's really difficult for me to talk about and I hope one day I am ready to open up about it but for now I am taking one step at a time. I struggle and have to deal with a lot of pain, physical and mental, every day but I have to continue for my family and also for myself. Life hasn't exactly been easy for me and I have had to face really tough situations but I want to see what happens if I don't give up. Although it doesn't feel like I will ever have happiness again, I am holding on to that fact that I am one day closer to feeling okay and reaching my goals that I am working so hard for. 

So, please listen to me when I say I know what it's like to feel like you are at rock bottom. It is an empty and numb feeling and it can completely consume you of your happiness. I also understand how difficult it is to reach out to someone when you are struggling but please know that the worst thing to do is to bottle it up. I've learnt over the years that when I keep everything to myself, overtime it becomes too much and I break down. I am extremely lucky that I have my best friend aka my mum. She is my rock and I mean it when I say I wouldn't be here without her, she keeps me going and I know that I can always speak to her about anything. Mum, I know you will be reading this so firstly Hi I love you. Secondly, I hope you are proud of me, I bet you thought I would never be writing this and opening up. I just want you to know that I wouldn't be here to write this if it wasn't for you staying by my side and telling me everyday to keep going. You are a real life angel and I hope one day I grow up to be half as an amazing mother and woman you are.

To those who are struggling, families and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide, my thoughts are with you. Not just for this month but for every month. It is not an easy month at all for so many of us. Just incase no one has told you this today, you are so loved, you are worthy and you deserve to be here.

-Aimee

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